Counselors

Met with a new counselor today. Shall be the 3rd one for me. The first one sad “Use mindfulness ” and it will get you through when times are tough. Yeah right. Ok. I don’t think so.

2nd one was helpful at first . We did sme EMDR sessions and that really helped but she was more like a school teacher. Always giving me handouts ad then she would read them to me. Sorry but I can read. She seemed very unorganized but she was very nice. Then she scheduled my next appt then totally forgot to write it in her book. There was constant interruptions on her cell phone so I decided time to move on. I totally quit therapy after that except for m Psy.Dr. Problem is I only see her once every 6 weeks and that doesn’t always work.

Recently noticed that I started feeling really, really good. Lots of energy. Can’t sit still. But also started forgetting things. And then I’d get really pissed over the smallest things then I’d be back to full of energy. Got worried about maybe hypomania coming on so decided I’d better do something quick s here I go. Counselor #3. First meeting was good so we’ll see how it goes from here.

I really need some CBT type of therapy and some anger management also. She says she can help. I hope she can. Good luck to her.

I’ll follow up after our next session. Peace y’all.

Racing Thoughts

I wonder if anyone else has a mind like mine. I sometimes feel like my mind is trying to run away from home. I can wake up at 3a.m. and my mind will be running a sprint. I really wish that all this racing my mind does would burn calories like if my whole body would. If so, I wouldn’t have to worry about dieting. I’d be skinny as I was as a teenager.

When my mind starts up it will go straight from one thing to another. Can’t even concentrate on one thing which makes it rather hard at work when working on complicated DDC  controls. Then inevitably the thoughts always returns to past traumas. It really is a pain in the ass sometimes.

I’ve read a lot about mindfulness and meditation and have tried that. It does help some but I still have a long way to go. If I could find a dependable counselor that doesn’t forget appts. I believe maybe some cognitive behavioral therapy would be the way to go. I tried a psychologist once and she just wanted to tell me about her church and argue about a rich preacher at a fancy church in Houston who supposedly wouldn’t let flood victims In the church after the floods. When it old her I didn’t believe half what the liberal news has to say she got confrontational so I walked out. Don’t need that crap. So now I just rely on meds and its semi working for now. I haven’t killed anyone yet so that’s a plus.

So to end today, racing thoughts are hard to deal with and usually lead me to get angry and hate most everybody. Maybe one day ill find the right person to help me deal with all this if not I want to be cremated and my ashes spread out over the Gulf of Mexico. My only true “happy place”.

 

Wondering

I do a lot of wondering in my life. Wonder why my mind takes off at full speed at 4a.m. when I happen to wake up. Wonder why my life has taken so many wrong turns. Wonder if a dysfunctional childhood could lead to bipolar2 and PTSD?. I don’t have to wonder about the PTSD part because I know that’s one of the causes. One of many reasons anyway. I’m sure there are numerous studies on the subject but I don’t need to read them because I know it is.

       Living with bipolar and PTSD is a never ending rollercoaster ride. Sometimes I feel like I’m on the “Tower of Terror” at Disney’s Hollywood Studios. Up down, up, up, dooooowwwnnnn! Please let me off. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want out of life, just off this dang ride for awhile. 

       I have a wonderful family. Love my wife and son. I know they’d be happier if I was more normal but they love me for who I am I suppose. I’ll admit I haven’t been a good father or husband over the years due to undiagnosed Bp2 and PTSD. More wondering going on here about that but oh well. It is what It is. Maybe its because I didn’t want to admit it I just wanted to blame everyone else for my problems. Some people are to blame anyway for certain parts. 

      Now that I’ve finally sought out help due to serious health issues I started having things seem to be moving in the right direction. My wife understands why I act the way I do sometimes. Maybe I’ll go deeper into that in a new blog at another time. But for now well leave it at I’m a grumpy old man right now. 

      So for right now lets just say that life is getting better but its still not all peaches and cream but it’ll do. Its the hand I’ve been dealt.

       

Life with Bipolar and Ptsd

Living with Bipolar2 and PTSD is not for the faint of heart. It is a daily struggle for me anyway. I will go from happy go lucky o full on asshole and hate everyone at the drop of a hat. And it doesn’t take much to flip my switch. I heard a song on Sirius radio today that brought up deeply buried memories and emotions. I was ready to jump off the roof almost instantly. Never imagined my life would turn out like this.

   A little background on me, I grew up in a twice broken home. Lived 6 yrs with an abusive step father and a step family who thought it fun to pick on the “redheaded stepchild”. It really is true what they say about redheaded step children getting picked on. Finally left home and joined the military which wasn’t any better for me. Loking back now I realize that was when the first real signs of bipolar started showing up but I just self medicated with alcohol. That just made things worse though. Really wish someone would have noticed or cared enough to intervene maybe. I sort of tried to seek some help but really was scared of things getting worse so I just hid in alcohol. After getting out I quit drinking mostly and thought things would be better but the past just keeps on creeping in. Years of abuse just keep showing up in my daily thoughts. It’s a daily struggle now. Anxiety, mistrust of people, depression. Can’t even eat out with my wife now without feeling like I want to get everyone first before they get me. 

    This is my first blog so not sure how it will go right now but if anyone has any recommendations I’d be glad to hear them and no I’m not a writer and I know it’s ot perfect but it’s my way of trying to get by. Thanks for reading.