End the Stigma!

I work at a large church where everyone is a member and a Christian but yesterday something was said that was really insensitive and would be considered offensive by today’s standards for sure. I wasn’t sure how to respond and keep my issues too myself.

We had a gentleman come by the church looking for help too get home. He was picked up by a coworker and brought to the office too meet with a Pastor who could help him out. He explained that he’d just gotten out of the hospitals mental health ward after attempting suicide. My coworker joked about it and my some rude comments about people with mental health problems and I wasn’t sure what to say. I tried to tell them that mental health issues isn’t something to joke about but it just didnt change his attitude and comments. I finally got up and left and said nothing else the rest of the afternoon too him. A man who is supposed to be a Christian probably shouldn’t act like that towards another person. I’m at a loss on how to go forward now.

I think I may set up an appt to meet with our head Pastor and discuss the Bibles standpoint on mental health challenges. But I also realize that prayer doesn’t heal all wounds. Chemical imbalances in the brain are not usually healed with prayer alone. It takes proper medication but prayer can help with building a positive attitude for one own self maybe.

I’d sure like to hear anyone’s opinions on how to handle this but not interested in religion bashing or bashing others opinions or issues.

Losing Battle

As this year goes on I am growing weary. Weary of fighting the fight. Weary of trying one med after another. Weary of constant doctor and therapist visits that seem to get me nowhere. Juat when it seems things are looking up, that quickly come crashing down.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do, or if I’m going to do anything soon but I need off this ride one way or another. I cant keep pretending to be strong for everyone else when all I want to do is be done.

Physical and emotional traumas are horrible to deal with for years and years. I wish it was something you could just walk away from and say fuck you too. Folks will tell you to get over it or forget about it. It’s just not that easy. I wish it was. The depression makes me nauseous and have cold sweats. I cam take Xanax and it will help by putting me to sleep but that’s a bandaid, not a cure. I need the cure of just being gone. Gone from pain, whether emotional or physical. Gone from Earth. 🌎

New Year, New Attitude

As this new year begins I feel like it’s time to make some changes in my life. It’s time to step back and look at the things in life that are causing the greatest stress and try and correct them or at least distance myself from them.

Think I’ll start by doing away with social media in general. Completely deleted my Twitter acct. Severely limiting Facebook to just my woodworking page and only following woodworking and fishing pages on Instagram. Going to try and limit all this negativity in my life as much as possible. It’s time to take control of my own mind and not let other issues control it for me.

Now some people will tell you to just ignore things but as someone who suffers from bipolar2 and PTSD it is very difficult. It doesnt take but one little thing, seeing or hearing something to bring on the major flashbacks then you have to almost start over again.

I’m going to start working at my own pace, spend more time on the water either fishing or just kayaking. Spend more time in my shop doing woodworking. Less time watching TV and more time reading so let’s just see how this year goes. Hope my 2109 is better than 2018 because it really sucked.

Hope everyone has a great year and keep writing so I can keep reading.

My year in a nutshell!

This will be a little different type blog for me as I’m going to try and condense my year so far into words.

To start off the year I had to find a new counselor because the one I had been seeing was not good for me. Ok, that’s fine. All good. I really like the new one as I don’t know if I could have made the rest of the year without her. Tks Courtney.

Next comes up our 32nd wedding anniversary and the wife and I planned a 7 day cruise to the Caribbean. The night before we were supposed to leave I get a call saying my mother had had a stroke and they don’t think she is going to make it. This call comes from her common law mate who I’ve never liked. Turns out, she had the strokes 7 days earlier and he just didnt call. That’s a while other issue there. I rush down to Florida to see about her, find out shes not as grave as he made out. He’s all heart broke, so I do all I can do to get her transferred to rehab place 1 mine form his house. (He is 83 and barely drives.) Felt sorry for him at that point. When it comes tome for her to leave rehab then all of a sudden I’m the bad guy because I wont pay for her care when she comes home. His words are if I can afford a vacation I can afford her care. I proceed to tell him that’s she chose home over me 40 yrs ago so shes his responsibility. And if he wanted to push it I would get a lawyer and take half of his money for her care. Leave it at that. But now I cant check on her because shes there and I’m up here.

We lost every dime of our vacation money since the illness was not one of us. Insurance would not cover it.

Now on to the summer. Started having horrible neck pain, found out I needed neck surgery. Ok. No biggie I suppose. Had the surgery and 3 weeks later thought my shoulder was exploding. Doctor said take this med and itll go away. It did for a short time. 3 weeks ago it was back and 10 times worse. See a new doctor for that and now I may need shoulder replacement.

Tha doesn’t include typical everyday things that went on throughout the year.

A month or so ago we have to get my mother in law a place in a nursing home. That’s been tougher on my wife than me but I still love her parents to death. Better to me than my own family ever was.

During all these issues I’ve had pneumonia that wouldn’t go away that I’m still dealing with now and hoping it will be gone soon. Trying to get back to work. In the middle of the pneumonia I had to find a new primary care physician because the doctor I’ve had for 25+ years decided his office was going to this MDVIP concierge type doctor crap. In other words, pay him a fee of $1650 a year for him to be my doctor but still have to pay copays and use insurance for the other uncovered stuff. Screw that.

Dealing with family issues with our son who sometimes just doesnt get it. And now, after he graduated GSP trooper school of 8 months long, the Army in its infinite wisdom, changed the rules and he will have to deploy overseas in Jan for 9 months after they told him he wouldn’t have to go.

Throughout all of this I’m constantly dealing with my bipolar 2, PTSD, and anxiety. Makes for an interesting year but one I’m ready to be done with. So good luck to any who read this and I hope your year has been better.

Memorial Day

As I sit here and see all the posts across social media honoring all the fallen Veterans from our country it floods my mind with what being bipolar has taken from me. I don’t want to take anything away from the fallen by any means but I’ll explain as I go on.

As an 18yr old graduating high school in 1983 my plan for my life was to join the military, go off to war and give my life for my country. Sounds odd but that was my plan. Little did I know that I was showing the first signs of being bipolar. Maybe that was the first sign of mania in me. Over the next 4yrs I would join the Marines, never make it overseas and go into a major hypomanic state which would lead to nothing but trouble for me. Constant self medicating with alcohol and bizarre and wild behavior. Of course back then, nobody knew about bipolar or just thought I was a troublemaker, who knows. But my unit finally tired of it and decided it was time for me to go. I didn’t care then, just wanted to go so I was separated from the Marines and sent home.

For years I harbored a deep anger and resentment towards the people I served with for the treatment I was subjected too. Blaming them for the problems I had while there. Finally things got so bad I had to go get some outside help. Could no longer deal with it myself. When I was diagnosed with bipolar2 and PTSD it was an eye opener. The more I read and learn about bipolar the more I understand my actions when I was younger. It was most certainly hypomania. My only regret is that I can’t go back and change the past.

So as another memorial day passes and the bad memories flow back in I will struggle to go on for awhile. It’ll get better, then Veterans day will arrive and it’ll start all over. Maybe one day I can forgive myself but I’ll never forget what bipolar has done to my life. And I will probably never forget the people for the way they treated me either but I won’t hold a grudge any longer.

Let’s all remember what the Veterans of our military have done to protect our freedoms. They are the reason we have the opportunity to write our feelings in blogs like this and to enjoy living in a free country. So a big “Thanks” to all who’ve served and will serve in the future. May your time be better than my time ever was . God bless and be safe.

Mental Health Awareness

I spent the better part of May trying nicely to convince someone in any of our local media outlets to do a story on the troubled mental healthcare industry in our community and country. I have had one young lady who is interested in the story but so far she has not gotten with me to do it. I’ve ben patient but now that’s running really thin. This is not my story but it’s a way to let the public know we’re facing a crisis here and we need to act. What better time to do a story than #mentalhealthawarenessmonth. But ok, I understand ratings and deadlines.

I was accused of subtle attacks on her and her coworkers on Twitter so thats why she didn’t reach out to me. I’m sorry but I was brought up that if you say you’re going to do something you do it and not leave someone hanging or at least you keep them informed. But that’s not the case with today’s young adults I suppose. No biggie.

When I’m patiently waiting for a phone call or email to do something that I feel is very important and greatly needed and it never comes I get angry. That’s my bipolar cross to bear. Stories that are constantly pushed here using “clickbait” headlines that pull you in only to realize they are in another state just so it looks good on there viewership ratings online are useless to me. Take care of your own first please.

I suppose that this topic means more to those of us who suffer from a mental health disorder than the folks that dont and I’m ok with that to a certain point. But when you cant even get a reply from 3 TV outlets and the local newspaper there is definitely a problem. At least say it thank you for your interest but we are unable to do anything at this time or something. Why put an email and a “feel free to contact us” on the website if you ignore it.

So to the young lady who did respond, thank you but the story would have been alot more fitting this month, not the next. Is not “my story”, its just a story that needs to be told.

To the rest of the local media outlets, shame on you for ignoring mental healthcare issues. But it does not surprise me. You’re only interested if a celebrity or athlete comes out. Now that’s real news.

Life as I know it now.

It’s been a few months since I’ve written anything here. Been a little sidetracked I suppose. Things have been going pretty well. New meds have gotten me somewhat stable for now. Guess we’ll see how long that lasts.

Told my doctor that I want off the depression meds since they really are a waste for bipolar from all that I’ve read. Even my new counselor agrees that is true. Said there are some studies soon to come out from Stanford that proof that they really don’t work as well as big pharma claims.

Been doing well up until his past weekend when I spent most all of yesterday on social media which is something I’ve been trying to stay away from due to triggers that constantly pop up. I really think I’ll go dark again permanently this time.

So a few months ago I started seeing a new counselor and it has really helped me alot.  She is very organized ,unlike my old one who seemed like she could never find anything. Wo also just kept giving me paper handouts to take and read the would read them to me. Sorry but I am educated enough that I can read my own papers thank you. New counselor “Courtney” is awesome. She has really helped me work through some tough life issues. I really think I’m gonna make it now.

Wife and I are actually going on a cruise in a week since I feel so much better. I just hope I can handle all the people. Will be keeping my anxiety meds close by at all times. But don’t plan on needing them.

Thas all for now so hope anyone who reads this has a wonderful day. Thanks for reading.

Its On Now

Been up since 0400, can’t unwind. 30 mins elliptical and 30 on treadmill. Still all revved up and nowhere to go. Gonna be a rough day today. Hope new counselor can unwind my spring somehow or its gonna pop. At this rate I’ll be on the news tonight. 2 nd such episode in a week. This shit sucks! Meds are worthless. Any and all suggestions would be appreciated at this point. But don’t say mindfulness or I’ll snap like a wound up rubber band.

My Week

This has been one hell of a week for me. A real rollercoaster of emotions. A rollercoaster I want off of soon.

Started out pretty good, then stuff happened. Met a new counselor on Tuesday and seemed like things were looking up. Emotions were in check, anxiety at a minimum. I had a feeling things were changing but I was not expecting it to go as far as it did.

Woke up Wed feeling pretty good, too good to be exact. By time I got to work I was feeling higher than a kite. Didn’t know what was happening. Skin was crawling, heart was racing, mind running at warp speed. Couldn’t stop talking. Was talking to myself, my tools, the equipment was working on. About drive my coworker up the wall talking to him. Had to go pick up parts in my company truck and was just reckless feeling. Didn’t care what happened or care about what I was doing. Started texting my wife and all she could say was take a Xanax and see if it calmed me down. No help there for sure. Finally got scared enough to call my Psy. Dr. but couldn’t get in. (Have an appt next week already). She did call me back that night and when I explained to her what was happening she immediately said the word I didn’t want to here, “hypomania”. Scared me really. Said it was probably coming on for last few weeks since I had been gradually feeling more energetic. Been unable to even sit still for more than a few minutes leading up to that day.

After a lengthy discussion she increased the dosage of one medication and told me to go to er if it got any worse. Not gonna do that, no way, no how.

Now today I couldn’t barely even get myself ready for work. At one point I just laid on the floor with my dog and hugged her while she kept me company. She is such a sweet girl. She can tell when I don’t feel well.

Somehow I gotta get this crap under control before it kills me. I cannot the bastard win.

Well tomorrows a new day. Lets see what new horror it brings.

Bipolar – It’s Never Going to Be What You Expect It to Be

Saw this today and thought it was a good read. : Bipolar – It’s Never Going to Be What You Expect It to Be